Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A Porkchop!

Here's a list of things you should never say to your instructor:

• Hmmm... yeah, that's cool, but I don't know if Bruce would do it that way.

• Those Pyjamas look pretty funny.

• That workout wasn't tough at all.

• That looks just like Taekwondo.

• Wow! Your wife/daughter is one hot babe!!

• I don't think you could really hurt anyone with that technique. (The technique did work..)

Murphy's Laws of Karate

• The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

• The easy-beat who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.

• You will have trouble with the ties on your pants when members of the opposite sex are looking.

• The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick.

• The instructor will only use you for conditioning or throwing demonstrations.

• If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.

• After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your place.

• After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a muscle the night before your black belt grading (or be in a car accident)

Got these in an email a few weeks ago. New words for 2006:

• BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

• SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

• ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

• SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

• PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

• GOING FOR A McDUMP. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McDump with Lies.

• MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

• SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

• SWAMP-DONKEY. A deeply unattractive person

• TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

• GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

• AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

• AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Things you'd like to say at work but can't...

1. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
2. How about never? Is never good for you?
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
5. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
6. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
7. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
8. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
9. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
10. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
11. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
12. Do I look like a people person?
13. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
14. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
15. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
16. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
17. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
18. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
19. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
20. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door....... The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

 

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!." His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" 

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk .

 

 

Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econovan ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Well, since these are doing the rounds... Let me know if you have any better ones!

• When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up - he's pushing the Earth down.

• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

• Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Ok, some of these are quite lame - and therefore suitable for children or instructors who like to tell jokes during stretching, etc.. enjoy:

• Q: What's red and goes up and down?
  A: A tomato in an elevator.

• Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
  A: The letter "g".

• Q: Why do two skunks argue?
  A: Because they like to kick up a stink.

• Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
  A: One more crack and I'll plaster you.

• Q: How do you make antifreeze?
  A: You steal her blanket.

• Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
  A: Because her horns don't work.

The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Note: This is one of those not-sure-if-its-true-and-probably-isn't stories from cyberspace...

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
    
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
    
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
    
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.  The rabbit had it coming.
    
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay Okay! I'm a rabbit!  I'm a rabbit!
 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his

Ok, some important tips this week:

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

 

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

 

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

 

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

 

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

 

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

 

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

 

11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Ok, another one of those "obviously made-up but still could be true" stories:

A large number of FBI agents were conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation was recorded on the FBI phone tap:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front (go) to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

Q: What's red and not good for your teeth?

A: A brick

 

FINAL EXAM

Time: 1 hour

Answer one of the following questions:

 

1. Describe the history of the papacy from its origin to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

 

2. Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

 

3. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

 

4. Define management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Design the communications interface and all the necessary control programs for a Windows XP package.

 

5. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start WWIII. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

 

6. Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

 

7. Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare this with the development of any other kind of thought.

 

8. Obtain 1 Van, 1 Car, 1 Truck, 1 SUV, 1 Boeing 747, 1 Naval Freighter, 1 dune buggy. Disassemble, put all parts in single tub, shake, now reassemble. Make sure no parts are put on wrong vehicle. No credit will be assessed if any parts are misplaced.

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides
And every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front ...
but she didn't wear that one very often

Mary had a little lamb. Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill And now there's little Franky.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.

Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse and turned it's wool to nylon

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said "Screw him, He's only an egg.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon, “Pies, you dickhead!”

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.